right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
So half of us were already throwing up outside when the Ukrainians ask us if we're ready to start partying yet. I love this country.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
tell me about the eggs
Randomize
