he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
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