I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
