It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
