Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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