I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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