If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.