apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
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