I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Randomize
