She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
