I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
