ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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