it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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