Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
It's blow job season.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
