when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
