Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Reggie can tackle my bush.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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