You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Randomize
