I'm so fucking centered right now
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
Randomize
