i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
I see an opportunity for you to use your nakedness to cure my boredom.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
