chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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