I hate all girls vehemently.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
