He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
Randomize
