She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
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