i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
She really is something else.
Words cannot describe what though. The best way to describe her is to say it like watching a bear and a whale have sex. You don't know why it's happening or how. But it's rather funny and you can't look away.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
