I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
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By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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