He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
