Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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