Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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