life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I can tuck mytits in my pants
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
I'd cum for enchiladas.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
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