I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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