How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
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