Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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