i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
Randomize
