You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
