The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
