dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Randomize