Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
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