peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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