On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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