I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found out my favorite drunk show, Repo Men, is just reenactments. I can't express through words my disappointment.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
Randomize
