She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
