It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
