Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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