god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
Randomize
