Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
