you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Randomize
