I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
Randomize
