Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
Randomize
