You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
I've had balls on my face twice in last 48 hours and I STILL haven't got laid!
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
