The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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