It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.
My vagina agrees.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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