i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
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