I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
Randomize
