physics? naw man, teacher told us it was casual friday, so i decided to be super casual and not go.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
no you cant smoke seaweed
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
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