Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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