I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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