Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
