My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
